Self Portrait #2

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My Voice.

From the outside looking in, I was told we looked like a fairytale. Four children, beautiful home, beautiful property, beautiful studio, luxury car, successful businesses, trips….and stuff, and stuff and stuff. But this is how I felt, like I was slowly choking. He did his “job” and provided well for us, I will never complain about his drive and motivation, and he is becoming a hands on dad and will be a great father to those children, but he was lacking in the husband department. He made choices that I couldn’t get over. He did things a husband should never do to a wife, ever. Neither of us were perfect. And on top of that, I married into a family that could never accept and love me. That excluded me and my children from family functions because another in the family said so. That showed me time and time again, no matter what, I was never good enough for them. That hid behind the facade of going to church every sunday, but in my eyes, did not uphold what that should mean in how you live.

I could only turn the other cheek so many times. The saying, women should be seen and not heard was used more than one occasion….and I will be seen, and I will be heard, no matter what. My parents raised me with a voice, and I will use it.

Behind closed doors, it wasn’t a fairy tale. So five years of counselling, twelve years of marriage, seventeen years together, I had to make the choice to allow myself to breathe again. The hardest choice because of my children, but knowing I will show them that happiness and love is the most important thing in life, not stuff, I know it will be worth it in the end. I am told I will ruin them, and to that, I say bullshit. I am raising girls that will have voices, and boys that will have respect.

In no way, shape or form is this what I imagined my life. I had it all planned out, down to the spot they would get married in the backyard. But life had it’s own plan, and it took those dreams away. And for the first time in a long time, I can feel the sun on my face, and the hope in my soul. I will rebuild the life I dreamed of, just with a different ending, and that’s ok. And for those of you saying I will fail, you obviously don’t know me that well.

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