Self Portrait # 10

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Ten years.

I have struggled with heart issues for many ears now. I liked to ignore it, I did not have time to deal with it. But four children in three years did a number and at 26, I had to have heart surgery. Want an interesting experience? Be awake, while they operate on your heart. Have doctors explain to you as they burn sections out of your heart. I’ve never felt the flight or fight sensation as much as I did that day. This situation actually took a toll on my marriage, as my ex decided to go hunting during my surgery. In his defense, he has since apologized and admitted it wasn’t a great choice, but this was something I never really got over. And track record speaks for itself. But I had my dad. He was there for me the entire time, wanted to sleep in the chair beside me, and reluctantly left after the nurse sternly told him to. Twenty four hours later I was home taking care of my babies.

I am supposed to take my blood pressure twice a day, but I’m lucky if I do it twice a week, or even twice a month. I am the worse patient ever. My doctor told me to lose 15 pounds, well, that hasn’t happened yet either. I have been poked and prodded, my chest sandpapered for leads, hooked up to machines and MRIs run topless on treadmills more times then I’d like to admit.

I would like to say that I’m fixed, but I’m not. The problem now is that my heart is enlarged to twice the size. I literally have a big heart. My doctor says that I have ten years with it if it stays like this. The solution? Destress……ha. ha. ha. Destress? I asked him to come spend a week with me, and he would see how he’s literally asking me to move mountains with my magic abilities. I have felt my heart more lately then I have in a long time. It is the most frustrating thing. To be held back by something that is supposed to pump life around my body. It is like my heart is saying, want a challenge? I will give you the hardest one there is. Luckily, I never back down from a challenge. Ten years? Nah. I’ve got too much life to live, there is no way I can fit it into just ten years.

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