Self Portrait # 12



I like to think that I have this all figured out, that I am steady and strong all of the time. My close friends know that this is a roller coaster ride. That some days I wake up ready to slay the dragon, and the other days I wake up and think, “what the hell am I going to do?” I think my saving grace, is that there are so many ways I am shown that this is the right decision. That there is no other way. I spent too many years involved in turmoil, and anger, and nastiness. Too many years fighting for a place in a family that wasn’t worth the fight. I feel like I’m divorcing my ex as much as I’m divorcing his immediate family (don’t get me wrong….his extended family have always been wonderful to me). And the worst part is, all of those years I spend consumed in their bitterness. What a waste.

Even know I hear whispers of a lawsuit for defamation of character. I’m not sure if this is true, but the one that is spreading it to other family members has been the center of the problem for years. It’s funny how one insecure and narcasistic person can cause so much upheavel. When I speak about them, I only tell the truth….so bring it on. I will not be threatened and bullied anymore. Sweetheart, and you know which one you are in the family, it’s time you move on. Stop worrying about me, stop checking up on me, stop talking about me, stop letting me consume you still. It’s not healthy for you. I promise I don’t think about you anymore. Let that stuff go, and enjoy your life. I know that I have never felt more free since letting all of you go. All you do when you say these things about me to other people, is light my fire even more. You make me stronger and more confident. You make me want to rise up above you all.

I am grateful my children have wonderful grandparents who love them very much. But I worry about the role models they have in their lives. We all need to step it up a bit. Put your own issues aside and realize the four little ones that are affected the most here. You don’t need to be so bitter. You don’t need to be spiteful or angry. This could all be very different. Maybe you could put to use the fact you go to church every sunday and claim to be a Christian. But this is the choice you have to make. Just remember though, I am a whole lot stronger then you think or ever gave me credit for. And when this is all over, I will be free.

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