Self Portrait # 17

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Chaos.

So this is you standing at the brink of your own chaos, arms out, holding back the floods and the hurricanes. This is you falling apart, breaking to pieces during earthquakes of trauma. This is you hurting, heaving and trying to heal. This is you, in the messiest part, right after it has happened. And you are asking why, why did this come to be? How could all this earthly chaos happen to me? To you I say, love, this is your growth, this is your survival, this is the result of the universe’s incantation, this, this is how that magic happens. – Nikita Gill

I have learned to no longer ask the question why. I refuse to take the victim role. To get angry and say it isn’t fair. That this was not how it was supposed to go. Instead, I listen. I feel the dull ache in my soul, the gentle humming around my heart, the longing for something without a name. Because there is a lesson to every single thing that happens to you. Instead of asking why, ask, what will you have me do now? What do you want me to do differently? Why is not a question that needs to be answered. It is a burden you will carry forever if you do. Feel the hurt, but find your authentic self, and push back. Lean into the discomfort. Lean into the unknown.

As things start to progress for me in my journey, I find my throat tightens and my anxiety hits hard. I feel like I am constantly balancing on a ledge. One side I am a fighter, the other side I am scared and lost. Each day determines which way I lean. Today I push back, today I lean towards the fighter, knowing that tomorrow I may be lost. But luckily, there’s always another day…

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