Self Portrait #23

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*This was originally written March 22

Last night I got hit with some things I was not quite ready to process. It literally put me on the ground, my heart not liking the stress very much. Thank God for three of my main people (one is a hard ass, one soft and sweet, the other very spiritual) that circled around me, and with their phone calls and texts, I was able to stand back up and breathe through my panic attack. Although my eyes are still swollen from crying.

Now it’s today.

Mom, how has it been six years? I need you more then anything. What I would give to have your arms around me, but instead I am forgetting what your touch felt like. What I would give to have you tell me that everything is going to be ok, but instead I am forgetting what your voice sounded like. I am tired. I am scared. I am sad. I am angry. I am a girl wanting her mom.

They say time heals, but when it comes to you, this dull ache still sits heavy. I was the most like you. Even though I am forgetting some things, I do remember how you looked dancing in the kitchen to Shania Twain. Sitting at the table, with your hands in your hair, laughing. How you would shove my kids full of candy and pop with the biggest smile on your face. The days spent in your gardens, and how you would stop and turn your face up to the sun and smile, dirty hands and bare feet.

This will always be the worst day for me. It is a constant reminder to what I have lost. All the things that you have missed. All the memories you are no longer part of. All the tears that your death has brought.

The only relief I get, is that you no longer hurt. But know, we hurt for you.

So, somehow I will wipe away my tears, and carry on. I will push down these feelings of anger, and sadness, and frustration, and try to become the daughter that carries your wild and free ways with me. Never again, will I be somebody I’m not, in order to keep those around me comfortable. This I promise you, mom. I will be that wild child you didn’t know what to do with, but allowed me to spread my wings anyways.

Miss you forever and a day. xo

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