Self Portrait #26

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This has been part of my life for a long time. I have always ignored it, to push it aside and continue on. I had heart surgery at 26, after a cardiologist looked at my heart and said I should be dead for what it was doing.

I don’t ask for help. I don’t like people thinking I am weak. I don’t stop when it literally hurts to breathe or move. I don’t like when people try to do things for me because I’m having and off day and it shows. I don’t like burdening people with my problem. I don’t like talking about it because then I have to think about the fact that this heart might not be enough to last me this lifetime. But, I am tired. I know big changes need to be made. The first step was choosing an authentic life for me, even if it meant stopping the dream I had spent so many years building. Even if it meant a broken heart for this chapter in my life. Even if it meant starting over, creating myself from scratch. Even if it meant losing so many things that I thought were important to me.

As hard as it is for me, I’m realizing it’s ok to feel weak sometimes. It’s ok to ask for help. It’s ok to let someone care for you. To open up and trust others with one of your biggest weaknesses is a humbling experience. I can’t do it all, although I try to.

Sometimes, I want to feel like I can lean into someone and they tell me, I’ve got you. Let me take care of you today.” Which is why I’m thankful for the tribe I’m building. If there is one thing I am learning, it is, surround yourself only with people that truly care about you. That adore you and support you and push you to be the best you. People that save space for you in their lives. Surround yourself with people that genuinely love you, and are happy for your successes, and supportive of your failures. People that you know will look at you with open arms and say “I’ve got you”. Let the others fall away. Don’t waste your precious time on them. The people that surround you are a reflection of yourself. Make sure it’s a beautiful, loving one…

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