Self Portrait #33


I was told by a friend this week that I tend to think there is only one way to do things (true). This was not meant as a compliment. I went to bed hurt, as my intention was to encourage, but obviously I wasn’t.

I woke up hurt.

Then I dug a little and the hurt went away. I’ve paid good money over the years to work through some issues, and one of them is this exact one: My obsessive drive, for myself and others. This new journey is letting me really embrace why I am the way I am.

When I was 12 I was molested on a cruise ship by a staff member. I thought he was bringing me into a room to get me chocolate, but he had other plans. I never told anyone. When I was 17 I had a knife held to my throat and a man did what he pleased to my body. I never told anyone. My silence caused guilt that sometimes I didn’t know how to handle. I didn’t know if other girls fell prey to these men, and maybe had I said something I would have been the last. So for me to survive, I had to set my mind on goals and feel like I held the control over the situation. I tunnel vision, I set my mind to something and push thinking my way is best.

Then there are the people around me. I apologize in advance. If you are my tribe, I am going to do the same for you. If you are doing or going through something that I feel I can help you with, I’m going to push, and bother you, and annoy you, and tell you excessively that you’ve got this, and make suggestions, and continue to check in, and think my way is the way you should do it, and sometimes try to take over…because that is my penance to myself. I didn’t help other women, so I’m damn sure going to help others now. I have a hard time saying no to someone, even if I’m already stretched too thin. I just want the best for my people. And although my guilt will never leave, this helps with the burden. I have many triggers around this situation, but knowing them, and accepting why is allowing me to finally start to heal.

I am who I am, for both the heartaches and wonderful experiences I have had in my life. I suggest you unwrap your layers and find out why you are the way you are. Embrace it and don’t apologize.

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