When Your Heart is Breaking

This quote made me cry. I am one to push things aside, to keep moving forward. But what this quote talks about, has been the hardest roles I have had to play to date.

When you go through a divorce, there are so many days you want to stay in bed and cry. You can go from anger, to sadness, to frustration all in a matter of hours. There is so much to work through, especially if you had to make the choice to leave due to things that were done to you. Actually, I think there is an incredible amount of things to work through whether you do the leaving or you are left.

With four children, the option of feeling my pain was not always there. I felt very alone, and very scared in the beginning. I didn’t know how I was going to do it, I just knew that I couldn’t stay and endure any more. My children were at the age where they weren’t young enough to just go along with it and quickly adjust, and weren’t quite old enough to fully understand. They were at that age where it was devastating and their world was turned upside down.

I have not been perfect. They have seen me cry. They have seen me react when they tell me their upsets. They have heard my anger when I feel helpless in sheltering them from any hurt they might feel.

Sometimes my supper planning goes out the window, as I try to juggle four children’s schooling, extra curricular, play dates, one on one time. Then add in cleaning, laundry, medical appointments and running my own business. On top of that, add in trying to heal from years spent in a toxic relationship with an ex and his family, and it is hard to feel like you are pulling off mothering with a heart that is still cracked and hurt.

If you are just starting your journey, I say don’t be so hard on yourself. It is going to be hard. You are going to make mistakes. You are going to feel exhausted and frustrated and angry and sad. Your heart will break many times, and tears will fall. Find support. Find someone that is trained to help you through this devastating time. Because if you have children, they will look to you to be their safe place. When your heart feels like it’s tired out from hurting, you will still have to find the energy to wrap your arms around your littles and sooth them. Because no matter how sad you feel, your job as a mother will always come first.

That is one of the most wonderful things about us mothers. No matter what, no matter how much we hold on our shoulders. No matter how much pain we feel or how tired we are, our role as a mom always comes first. They are our hearts, they are what stops the breaking.

It’s sunday evening, and in the last thirty minutes that I’ve been sitting on my bed writing this, each one of my children have jumped on my bed, snuggled up to me and told me they loved me. I’ve scratched their back and smoothed their hair and felt the love they have for me, and I for them. I know how hard this has been for them, and they know how hard it has been for me.

Every time that they tell me that I am their safe place, my heart heals a little more. The fact that my kids ask me to sing to them each night, that every morning each of them come into my room for snuggles, that I am constantly being stopped in my tracks because two little arms are around my waist and I find sticky notes of love are signs that they know they are loved. The fact that supper time is filled with constant chatter as we share our “worst and best”, ridiculous bets are made between us that result in hilarious outcomes, songs are cranked and dance moves are perfected, and the fact that I can’t sit on the couch with all four of them quickly cramming on beside me, fighting over who’s turn it is to sit next to me reminds me of the love we share with each other.

So if you are just beginning this process, if you are in the middle of the war, or you are finally starting to see the light, remember that no matter what is happening, your children love you. Look at the little happy moments you share with each other, and remind yourself that you’re doing the best you can. Be their rock and just love them. Be the lap for them to fall into, and the arms to wrap around them when they need that little extra squeeze. And when you feel like you aren’t doing a good enough job, when your heart hurts, look at them and know that everything is going to be ok. Because they are your heart, and they think you are the best mom anyone could have. At least that’s what mine tell me.

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