Self Portrait #34


To heal, to let go. To move on, let go. To forgive, let go. To change, let go. To love, let go. To flourish, let go. To accomplish dreams, let go. To be happy, let go. To live well, let go.

I’ve held on, tight knuckled and clenched jawed for so long. To everything. To my failures, to the dreams I once had, to the people that couldn’t love me, to the idea of what I though my life should be. I try to plan everything. I try to set my future, instead of letting go of the past and enjoying the present. That is the only thing we really have. Right now. This very moment. I’ve been doing a lot of body work and healing, and every one of my healers has told me that I hold onto my anger and try to force what I think my life should be. This was brought to my attention again today. And once again, I was told to let go. To hold my own power, and have the courage to let go and know what should happen will, and enjoy the adventure. Let go, and finally feel free. To stop letting my past dictate my future.

Let go and start rewriting my story, with all the uncertainties that await. Embrace the beauty in the unknown. Let go, and let all the good come that is waiting.

When we release our grip, and invite the universe to do her job, she will surprise us in wonderful ways. Bring us beautiful souls that will push us to grow, and adventures that we will tell about when we are old and grey. If only we realize it is best to enjoy right now and stop trying to control everything. To not let our mistakes and past experiences harden us and old us into someone that doesn’t forgive, that doesn’t love, that doesn’t enjoy all there is in this life. Because we only have one. One chance to live fully and without reservation. There is so much at our grasp, if we just let go.

Self Portrait #33


I was told by a friend this week that I tend to think there is only one way to do things (true). This was not meant as a compliment. I went to bed hurt, as my intention was to encourage, but obviously I wasn’t.

I woke up hurt.

Then I dug a little and the hurt went away. I’ve paid good money over the years to work through some issues, and one of them is this exact one: My obsessive drive, for myself and others. This new journey is letting me really embrace why I am the way I am.

When I was 12 I was molested on a cruise ship by a staff member. I thought he was bringing me into a room to get me chocolate, but he had other plans. I never told anyone. When I was 17 I had a knife held to my throat and a man did what he pleased to my body. I never told anyone. My silence caused guilt that sometimes I didn’t know how to handle. I didn’t know if other girls fell prey to these men, and maybe had I said something I would have been the last. So for me to survive, I had to set my mind on goals and feel like I held the control over the situation. I tunnel vision, I set my mind to something and push thinking my way is best.

Then there are the people around me. I apologize in advance. If you are my tribe, I am going to do the same for you. If you are doing or going through something that I feel I can help you with, I’m going to push, and bother you, and annoy you, and tell you excessively that you’ve got this, and make suggestions, and continue to check in, and think my way is the way you should do it, and sometimes try to take over…because that is my penance to myself. I didn’t help other women, so I’m damn sure going to help others now. I have a hard time saying no to someone, even if I’m already stretched too thin. I just want the best for my people. And although my guilt will never leave, this helps with the burden. I have many triggers around this situation, but knowing them, and accepting why is allowing me to finally start to heal.

I am who I am, for both the heartaches and wonderful experiences I have had in my life. I suggest you unwrap your layers and find out why you are the way you are. Embrace it and don’t apologize.

Self Portrait #32


“Build something big, something bigger than anything you’ve done. When what’s in front of you is so bright and so satisfying, you won’t have time to look behind you. Your eyes and mind will be focused straight ahead. That will draw you out. A big enough, bright enough, sexy enough future. A future so soaked with potential and possibility its weight will snap you free from that significant and laborious past.” -Gary John Bishop

I just read this book today, Unfu*k Yourself. The main point that I took from it, is that what you do is all that matters. You can think and feel as positive or negative as you want, it doesn’t matter. All that matters is what you do. If you want to succeed then stop playing victim, get your ass up and do what you need to do. I have struggled with this. I am about to step into a very scary part of my journey, and part of me wants to close my eyes and retreat. But then I realize, nobody is going to save me but myself. I need to find that girl that never used to take no for an answer, that when hit with an obstacle, found another route. To live my life like I’m dying, because I am. I’ve already decided what my next goals are, and some are pretty big. I don’t have time to look back now. I don’t have time to sit on my butt. I stopped watching TV a year ago because it was a waste of the time I could be using the further myself. To get my goals accomplished. I won’t be on of those that sits and complains, yet changes nothing. I wanted to get healthy, so I wake up early every single morning and exercise. Ya I still eat chocolate, but I eat the healthiest I’ve ever eaten. I knew my marriage was over, so I took the steps to start new. I’m tired of making excuses as to why I might fail. Cause I will, plenty. But that sure the hell isn’t going to stop me. If you want your life to be different, it simply comes down to making a plan and acting on it. Not saying ‘one day’. Today is your day. Or, I guess you could just watch others succeeding at the same things you could also have, but choose not to. Your choice. I know what mine is.

Self Portrait #31


I am being told that I need to cocoon. That my body is under so much stress and chaos I am walking the threshold of becoming very sick. That it’s time I wrapped myself up and really started taking care of me. This is incredibly hard. I have goals and dreams and motivation that doesn’t really allow me to settle in. I have people to take care of, and wants of my own. I have no patience and feel like if it doesn’t happen now, the nit never will. I have always had this flaw. Holding on so tight to something that I don’t see the other possibilities.  I’m so focused on this, that that walks right on by.

To admit that I’m really tired, and my body is giving out is not fun for me. To know that I don’t have a person to tuck me in and tell me to rest while he handles the ship for a little while is daunting. How do you cocoon when so much rides on your shoulders? How do you let go of things you want so much it makes your heart ache? How do you trust that good is coming, if you just relax and allow?

I have no clue. But it’s a lesson I’m going to have to learn. Because after the cocoon comes the butterfly, and I’m damn ready for my wings. To be able to float and be free and enjoy all the beautiful things and people that are in my life.

I think we all have a point in our life where we need to cocoon and really take care of ourselves. But so many are afraid because it takes work. It takes a lot to wrap yourself up and get real with yourself and fix your problems. To actually want a better life instead of playing the victim card, instead of doing nothing to change your cycle. To strip down all the layers one by one and dig deep, instead of running away. To figure out why you feel what you feel and how to heal that wound. That is how you stay a caterpillar for the rest of your life. Who wants that, when you can actually make the changes that are needed to break you out of that cocoon into the light of a new life, as a new and beautiful being. It takes courage to change your life into something beautiful, and not settle. I hope you have it. Earn your wings.

Self Portrait #30


Every now and then, I stop and realize that I am alone. It’s a strange feeling. It can be liberating at times, and scary at other times. I’ve been half of a whole for half of my life. That’s a long time. But then I remind myself a few things.

I can run a household, keep four children alive, run a business, do the never ending pile of laundry, drive a stick shift, change brake pads and oil. I’m smart and motivated and find the humor even when everything is falling apart. I can paint a house from top to bottom, lay tile. I can play the piano and guitar and will dance around if a good song comes on. I can cook and bake some amazing sugar cookies. I can ride a horse, a dirt bike, a four wheeler, a skiidoo and have jumped out of a plane.

I have survived miscarriages, my moms suicide, abuse, and other things that shouldn’t happen to you. Do you need photos taken of your wedding, baby, family, birth? I can do that. Do you need something sewn or your hair curled, braided or cut, or photos hung on your wall? I can do that. Do you need a friend that is there for you at any hour of the day, that will show up to help you with whatever you need, that will take a 2am phone call cause you’re upset? That’s me. Need your kid looked after, a baby animal raised and fed my hand every three hours? I can do that. Need a shoulder to cry on, some encouraging words or a reiki session? Well, here I am.  Need your woodpile stacked, help with a project, or something built? I can do that too.

So when I start to worry about it just being me, I remind myself to put my chin up/ I was with someone that didn’t appreciate these things about me, so it was already like I was by myself. Now I get to keep growing and stretching on my own, and give myself and my talents to those that appreciate them. We all have so much to offer. Every one of us has some talent, some gift, some purpose. Finding them and not feeling limited to express them is one of the best gifts you can give yourself and others. Make sure whoever you are with supports your growth and the amazing individual that you are. Better yet, be that person yourself.

Self Portrait #29


My dad wanted a boy. He got three girls. My dad hoped we would bring home a boy that liked to tinker the way he does and hang out in his shop. Unfortunately we didn’t. So, I’m the one he always treated like a boy. I think that’s part of the reason I don’t allow much to limit me. Why I’m constantly wanting to learn how to fix things, how to do things on my own without help, how to be independent. I like to get dressed up pretty, but I  also like to dig in and get dirty.

I needed my brake pads and oil changed, and since all of my money goes towards lawyer bills and feeding four children, I’m broke and don’t want to pay someone to do something that I can do myself. And since my dad is injured right now, he can only boss me around while I do it myself. This was the best way I’ve spent a tuesday night in a long time. I removed the wheels, changed the brake pads, put the wheels back on and torqued them, emptied and filled my oil, replaced the filter and loved every minute of it.

These are the things that make life interesting and fun. These are the things that allow me to smile and feel strong. These are the things that I will fondly remember and hopefully one day my own children will be learning to do this as well. They will get their hands dirty and learn how to take care of themselves. I think everyone, especially girls should know how to change a tire. There are so many things I want to show them.

However, if you hear I was in a car accident because my brakes didn’t work, blame my dad. He obviously wasn’t a very good teacher if this happens.