Self Portrait #36

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“If you’re reading this right now and you’re not happy, you will be. I don’t know what you’re going through. Everyone has their own type of darkness that they’re trying to make sense of, but no matter how hard it gets, you’ll do it. Things will get better, you will get better. Life will become brighter and you’ll look back on days like these when you couldn’t look forward to the next hour, let alone the next day. When you do, you’ll smile, maybe even laugh, and it will hit you. You turned out just fine.”  -MaxwellDPoetry

Things shifted for me this weekend. Some good things, some bad things. Seeing people for who they are now, and not the potential they have to be put a lot of things into perspective. I tend to do this with many people in my life, see through their pain and broken pieces to what they could be, and wishing they could see it too, but having a hard time stepping back and letting them be who they are choosing to be. I want to push them to be the best version of themselves. To see what I see in them.

So I had to make some decisions I didn’t want to make. But limbo is not a pretty place to stay. Letting go of things that are hurting you is the only way to move forward. And forward is the only place I want to be moving these days. So that I can look back with a smile and know, I turned out just fine.

And so will you.

Self Portrait #35

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I am a country girl. I can adapt to almost any surroundings, but country is my favorite. I love the smell of fresh cut hay, sundresses and cowboots, horses, farms, getting dirty, secluded property, watching sunsets from the hood of my car. I will jump in the water waist deep to load a jetski or boat onto a trailer; I walk around barefoot on surfaces I shouldn’t; I would pick a bonfire and guitar playing any night over going out “on the town”. My parents pushed us outside and told us to go play. And we did. We hurt ourselves, we got into trouble, but we had fun and it made us strong. My dad taught me to cut the grass,  drive a fourwheeler and skiidoo at a very young age and makes me fix my own car.

I’m told by so many how strong I am. But I haven’t felt it lately. Until last night. My daughter took this photo. My two girls insisted that they do a photoshoot, and bossed me around. Telling me what pose to do, how to “put my face”, where to put my hands, to “put my hair over one eye”. They were so excited. And then Eve took this photo and squealed and told me to come look at it. She said, “mommy you look so strong”. I stared at her for a minute. Thank god she said strong, and not pretty. Fuck pretty. If there is only one thing I want to teach my girls, it is to be strong. That sometimes they have to walk away from something they though was forever. That sometimes they will have to do something very scary. That sometimes they will feel very alone. But that they will be able to do it because they are strong. So if it takes me walking in a wheat field being bossed around by my girls to finally believe that just maybe I am showing them the the right things, then so be it.

Strength comes in so many stories. From mistakes, and failures, and wrong turns. Let all of that go. You tried your best and it didn’t work. Forgive yourself and try again. The best is yet to come.

Self Portrait #24

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A small list of bad habits:

  • zero impulse control
  • not willing to share my chocolate
  • eating cookies in bed
  • never untying shoes
  • pretending things are fine
  • loving all the way to the quick
  • making checklists for checklists
  • buying too many agendas, but never actually using them
  • not being aware of my surroundings
  • dancing wherever when a good song comes on
  • tunnel vision with my goals
  • giving in to my kids too easily
  • leaving laundry in the washer too long so have to rewash it
  • killing all house plants
  • being real with people
  • giving too many chances
  • emotional shopper
  • multitasking too much so nothing gets done
  • jumping to assumptions too quickly
  • never saying no to a bet/challenge
  • playing practical jokes on friends
  • eating junk food instead of veggies
  • treating my pets like they are my family
  • giving too much of myself to others
  • snorting when I laugh too hard
  • loving hanging out in bed
  • ignoring my health issues
  • not answering my phone, ever
  • throwing out things when cleaning, then having to rebuy them
  • And….I’m not changing any of them. Ever. I’m learning to embrace the good with the bad. These are the things that make me, me. And nobody else can do as good of a job as me then me. And one day, someone very lucky gets to put up with all of this