Happy 12th

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Happy life day, my beautiful soul. 12 years ago you gave me the best gift, becoming a mom. And in these past 12 years you have filled my heart and life with so much love, happiness and strength.

You are a smart and quiet boy, that is kind (except when wrestling with your siblings) and sweet to others. You have been so strong these past two years with everything we are going through, offering me hugs and back rubs when you think I am extra sad.

I love you more then everything my child. I look forward to many more birthdays with you…many more years filled with your smile and light.

P.S I’m glad that you don’t think you are too old yet for night time snuggles, as I cherish that time with you, even though you fart way too much and make my room stink!

Love,

Mom xox

Self Portrait #39

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It’s been brought to my attention, that us ‘country girls’ are a different breed all on our own. That we seem to feel the need to show others that we can do it by ourself, that we don’t need help, that we are just as strong as anyone else. To this, I say, thank you. I was raised to be independent, to try new things, to get my hands dirty. I was born with something inside me that says ‘keep going’ when the average person would stop and give up. I might not be able to do everything as well as what someone else could do, but imma try anyways.

For half my life I was with someone that expected me to be able to do all the things needed to run a household and family on my own. It was tough at times, but do I ever appreciate that now. I’m not looking for a knight in shinning armor, cause I can hold my own damn sword.

I’m the girl that cuts the grass in a dress with my hair blowing in the wind and a Mike’s in my hand. I’m the girl that plants over 500 trees with a pick axe, in the rain and mud. I’m the girl that can change my own brakes and oil and tires (thanks dad). I’ve jumped out of a plane, walked on a broken foot for two weeks, lost my mom to suicide, layed awake on an operating table while watching on a screen doctors operate on my heart. I’ve faced plenty of fears and health obstacles, got myself through some horrible traumas, and I’m still here, with a smile on my face. So ya, us country girls are a different breed. We strong like bull. Unless my car breaks down, (which it does often) then I’m calling my dad to come save me. We all have our limits….

Self Portrait #36

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“If you’re reading this right now and you’re not happy, you will be. I don’t know what you’re going through. Everyone has their own type of darkness that they’re trying to make sense of, but no matter how hard it gets, you’ll do it. Things will get better, you will get better. Life will become brighter and you’ll look back on days like these when you couldn’t look forward to the next hour, let alone the next day. When you do, you’ll smile, maybe even laugh, and it will hit you. You turned out just fine.”  -MaxwellDPoetry

Things shifted for me this weekend. Some good things, some bad things. Seeing people for who they are now, and not the potential they have to be put a lot of things into perspective. I tend to do this with many people in my life, see through their pain and broken pieces to what they could be, and wishing they could see it too, but having a hard time stepping back and letting them be who they are choosing to be. I want to push them to be the best version of themselves. To see what I see in them.

So I had to make some decisions I didn’t want to make. But limbo is not a pretty place to stay. Letting go of things that are hurting you is the only way to move forward. And forward is the only place I want to be moving these days. So that I can look back with a smile and know, I turned out just fine.

And so will you.

Self Portrait # 20

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Meditation.

I am learning how important it is to quiet your mind. That the overthinking, over analyzing and doubt causes so much havoc on the body, mind and soul. Being married into a very Christian family, meditation was always frowned upon. So I never really explored it. Now, I realize how much I was missing out on. For 20 minutes, everything is quiet. I don’t think of anything that is happening in my life, I don’t make my check lists, I don’t beat myself up for doing so much wrong. Instead, I listen. I find praying is when you are asking, but meditation is when you are listening.

This has probably been the best thing I have added into my life. I realized this morning while I was doing this, that I hold a lot of guilt for being happy (most of the time) right now when my children are sad. I didn’t even realize I was doing this. And I know that eventually this will balance out, that when the dust settles and life moves on that they will be ok. But it’s amazing what we block out and try to ignore. So many are afraid to sit and just listen, for maybe they know what they will hear. But if you have healing to do, then I suggest you start here. People can help you in you journey, but you have to make the first steps to want a better life.

Healing takes courage, and we all have courage. It just depends how deep we want to dig.

Namaste.

Self Portrait # 19

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Today is heavy.

And I know the next while will be. I fall apart this time of year. I’m coming up to my moms anniversary of her death. I don’t know why it bothers me so much, but it does. Right now I feel like there are so many directions I want to go. I am happy to be independent, I always have been. I don’t ask for help which can be a flaw, but it has made me strong and resilient. I have found peace in my decision. I am excited for all of the doors that are opening and the people I am meeting. I get daily texts and emails from women saying I am inspiring them….

But right now, things are heavy, empty. And for once, I know that’s ok. It’s ok to not feel ok. To breathe into that and feel it and sit with it. My daughter told me the other day that she will be sad for the rest of her life because her family didn’t turn out how it was supposed to. My son told me it’s his fault his beloved Louie died. My daughter told me it makes her sad that her mom and dad would never be in the same place with them again. My son told me he is sad that he has to move and leave his best friend. I don’t know what to say or do to comfort them. I let them cry in my arms and I hold them until they stop.

I struggle with the want to change my name back to my birth name. I don’t feel like a Bickle and I am sure they would prefer I wasn’t one. But my children are Bickles. But a wise friend pointed out, names are just letters, just different parts of our stories. I was born with one, and then I changed to another, but I am still me. My children started off not being able to call me anything, then it was momma, then mommy, then mom, all different names, but they all meant the same, it is the sentiment behind it. They know who I am, whichever name is used.

My brain is scattered right now. I want to be strong, but I also want a person. Someone that will put their arms around me and tell me it will be alright. That will tell me I am enough. That I can call to ask stupid questions that I need a second opinion on. Someone that wants to help carry my burden. Someone that gets me. I miss this, even though I never really had this. And I miss my mom. God, I miss my mom.

*This self portrait was taken in March of this year

Self Portrait # 18

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All we have is now.

Don’t think.

It complicates things.

Just feel, and if it feels like home,

then follow its path. – r.m. drake

Oh the lessons I am learning. I am an overthinker, an overanalyzer. I get tunnel vision and get set on a path that I think is the only way. So many people have been brought into my life the last little white that are testing me to the core. That have opened my eyes. I am learning to detach. To send love to the outcome, but not one that I want, one that will be of the utmost good to whoever is involved. I am learning to trust and let go. To breathe. One of these people that I have recently met, who listens to my crazy texts and tells me to breathe on a daily basis, told me to go put my feet in the grass. He pointed out that as an empath, I need to ground myself daily.

I thought he was crazy, but it turns out he’s very smart. Every day, I walk into my back yard, take my boots off, stick my feet in the grass and turn my face to the sun. I stand here, and I give my thanks, because there is so much to be thankful for. I also sometimes get mad and curse, but that’s ok, ying and yang baby. Life is hard. Right now is hard. Today I want to scream and run away, but instead I stick my feet in the cold damn earth, and I breathe, I curse, because I don’t want to have to keep doing this fight, but then I say thanks for all of the good that is coming from it.

If it feels like home, if it feels right, then follow it’s path. We try to say, once I have this and this and this….then I will be happy, then I can do that. But if we wait for this and this and this…we will always be waiting. There is no check list for life. Put your feet in the ground, and push back. Take what feels good. Or else you will always be waiting for the right time, and it will never come. All we have is now. Now is the right time.