Self Portrait #32

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“Build something big, something bigger than anything you’ve done. When what’s in front of you is so bright and so satisfying, you won’t have time to look behind you. Your eyes and mind will be focused straight ahead. That will draw you out. A big enough, bright enough, sexy enough future. A future so soaked with potential and possibility its weight will snap you free from that significant and laborious past.” -Gary John Bishop

I just read this book today, Unfu*k Yourself. The main point that I took from it, is that what you do is all that matters. You can think and feel as positive or negative as you want, it doesn’t matter. All that matters is what you do. If you want to succeed then stop playing victim, get your ass up and do what you need to do. I have struggled with this. I am about to step into a very scary part of my journey, and part of me wants to close my eyes and retreat. But then I realize, nobody is going to save me but myself. I need to find that girl that never used to take no for an answer, that when hit with an obstacle, found another route. To live my life like I’m dying, because I am. I’ve already decided what my next goals are, and some are pretty big. I don’t have time to look back now. I don’t have time to sit on my butt. I stopped watching TV a year ago because it was a waste of the time I could be using the further myself. To get my goals accomplished. I won’t be on of those that sits and complains, yet changes nothing. I wanted to get healthy, so I wake up early every single morning and exercise. Ya I still eat chocolate, but I eat the healthiest I’ve ever eaten. I knew my marriage was over, so I took the steps to start new. I’m tired of making excuses as to why I might fail. Cause I will, plenty. But that sure the hell isn’t going to stop me. If you want your life to be different, it simply comes down to making a plan and acting on it. Not saying ‘one day’. Today is your day. Or, I guess you could just watch others succeeding at the same things you could also have, but choose not to. Your choice. I know what mine is.

Self Portrait #31

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I am being told that I need to cocoon. That my body is under so much stress and chaos I am walking the threshold of becoming very sick. That it’s time I wrapped myself up and really started taking care of me. This is incredibly hard. I have goals and dreams and motivation that doesn’t really allow me to settle in. I have people to take care of, and wants of my own. I have no patience and feel like if it doesn’t happen now, the nit never will. I have always had this flaw. Holding on so tight to something that I don’t see the other possibilities.  I’m so focused on this, that that walks right on by.

To admit that I’m really tired, and my body is giving out is not fun for me. To know that I don’t have a person to tuck me in and tell me to rest while he handles the ship for a little while is daunting. How do you cocoon when so much rides on your shoulders? How do you let go of things you want so much it makes your heart ache? How do you trust that good is coming, if you just relax and allow?

I have no clue. But it’s a lesson I’m going to have to learn. Because after the cocoon comes the butterfly, and I’m damn ready for my wings. To be able to float and be free and enjoy all the beautiful things and people that are in my life.

I think we all have a point in our life where we need to cocoon and really take care of ourselves. But so many are afraid because it takes work. It takes a lot to wrap yourself up and get real with yourself and fix your problems. To actually want a better life instead of playing the victim card, instead of doing nothing to change your cycle. To strip down all the layers one by one and dig deep, instead of running away. To figure out why you feel what you feel and how to heal that wound. That is how you stay a caterpillar for the rest of your life. Who wants that, when you can actually make the changes that are needed to break you out of that cocoon into the light of a new life, as a new and beautiful being. It takes courage to change your life into something beautiful, and not settle. I hope you have it. Earn your wings.

Self Portrait #30

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Every now and then, I stop and realize that I am alone. It’s a strange feeling. It can be liberating at times, and scary at other times. I’ve been half of a whole for half of my life. That’s a long time. But then I remind myself a few things.

I can run a household, keep four children alive, run a business, do the never ending pile of laundry, drive a stick shift, change brake pads and oil. I’m smart and motivated and find the humor even when everything is falling apart. I can paint a house from top to bottom, lay tile. I can play the piano and guitar and will dance around if a good song comes on. I can cook and bake some amazing sugar cookies. I can ride a horse, a dirt bike, a four wheeler, a skiidoo and have jumped out of a plane.

I have survived miscarriages, my moms suicide, abuse, and other things that shouldn’t happen to you. Do you need photos taken of your wedding, baby, family, birth? I can do that. Do you need something sewn or your hair curled, braided or cut, or photos hung on your wall? I can do that. Do you need a friend that is there for you at any hour of the day, that will show up to help you with whatever you need, that will take a 2am phone call cause you’re upset? That’s me. Need your kid looked after, a baby animal raised and fed my hand every three hours? I can do that. Need a shoulder to cry on, some encouraging words or a reiki session? Well, here I am.  Need your woodpile stacked, help with a project, or something built? I can do that too.

So when I start to worry about it just being me, I remind myself to put my chin up/ I was with someone that didn’t appreciate these things about me, so it was already like I was by myself. Now I get to keep growing and stretching on my own, and give myself and my talents to those that appreciate them. We all have so much to offer. Every one of us has some talent, some gift, some purpose. Finding them and not feeling limited to express them is one of the best gifts you can give yourself and others. Make sure whoever you are with supports your growth and the amazing individual that you are. Better yet, be that person yourself.

Self Portrait #29

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My dad wanted a boy. He got three girls. My dad hoped we would bring home a boy that liked to tinker the way he does and hang out in his shop. Unfortunately we didn’t. So, I’m the one he always treated like a boy. I think that’s part of the reason I don’t allow much to limit me. Why I’m constantly wanting to learn how to fix things, how to do things on my own without help, how to be independent. I like to get dressed up pretty, but I  also like to dig in and get dirty.

I needed my brake pads and oil changed, and since all of my money goes towards lawyer bills and feeding four children, I’m broke and don’t want to pay someone to do something that I can do myself. And since my dad is injured right now, he can only boss me around while I do it myself. This was the best way I’ve spent a tuesday night in a long time. I removed the wheels, changed the brake pads, put the wheels back on and torqued them, emptied and filled my oil, replaced the filter and loved every minute of it.

These are the things that make life interesting and fun. These are the things that allow me to smile and feel strong. These are the things that I will fondly remember and hopefully one day my own children will be learning to do this as well. They will get their hands dirty and learn how to take care of themselves. I think everyone, especially girls should know how to change a tire. There are so many things I want to show them.

However, if you hear I was in a car accident because my brakes didn’t work, blame my dad. He obviously wasn’t a very good teacher if this happens.

Self Portrait # 28

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The other night my dad came over. I was cleaning out my fridge while crying ugly tears, because I’m learning to let the sadness out. I asked my dad if he was disappointed with me. That I have to start over, from scratch. And he looked at me and said, “I’m proud of you. I know how I felt when your mom died and I didn’t have little kids to take care of or a battle on my hands like you do because of how hard he’s making it. Just my sadness of losing your mom. And I’m still dealing with that. You made a really hard choice, but you have so much happiness ahead of you and that’s what is important. The happiness you will find at the end of this. I’m proud of you.”

My family doesn’t really say these things to each other, you should see my sisters face when I tell her I love her, or try to hug her. So these words mean so much to me. More days then not I want to ignore and pretend my life is not upside down. I want to cry. I want to stay in bed. I want to retreat from everything and everyone. I want to wallow in my self pity of losing my beautiful house, beautiful studio, beautiful property, beautiful dream I worked so damn hard for. But instead, I remember why I’m doing this. And when the sadness comes, I look at my four kids and remind myself what I’m showing them. When my heart aches, I pick up my guitar, or play the piano, or paint, or go put my feet in the grass, or dance, or read a book or get in the bath, or talk to friends, or play with my kids, I write in my journal and try to figure out where the root of my feelings come from and how I can improve myself. I do yoga, or exercise, or eat a bag of cookies. Life is hard. It is so easy to find the negative, to feel the want to give up. To wallow and ask why and feel sad for myself. But what a waste. I have too much light to give. There is still so much happiness to feel and make and be part of. Starting over is my chance to do it my way. Less material things, more love. Less anger, more adventure. Less fighting, more peace. Less fake, more raw realness. Thank you dad, for telling me you’re proud of me. That’s all I needed to hear.

Self Portrait # 27

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Darling, believe me. You don’t need saving. You just need someone who will stand by you while you save yourself. – Ruby Dhal

These past three weeks have been extremely hard. I feel beat down and exhausted. I am angry, and I have now been pushed to the point, where fighting back is the only option. Thankfully I have a strong backing of amazing people that are behind me, encouraging me to keep moving, keep pushing, keep surviving. Today I looked in the mirror after I peeled myself off the floor from my panic attack, and said: enough. Time to save yourself and claim your life back. This is a pep talk I have had to give myself a few times, but today was different. I can feel the anger rising that I have been pushing aside. My light I carry is tinged with red flames right now, and I can accomplish a lot when I am angry. I’ve been controlled and beat down long enough. No more. I deserve better. I will no longer believe that I was not enough. I was damn more than enough.

Never stay with someone that makes you wonder how you feel about yourself. That makes you feel like you are never a priority. That tells you to turn the other cheek instead of standing up for you when you are wronged. That doesn’t show you fucking special you are to them. Don’t stay if there is no laughter, no warmth or comfort in their arms, no support. It is never worth it. You are worth so much more. As r.h. sin says, “one day you’ll mean something more and everything to someone better than whomever made you feel like nothing” and until you find that person, be that person for yourself. Love yourself hard. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you’ve made. And remember, you are exactly where you are supposed to be. Everything that has happened brought you to the place you are supposed to be in. All of the poor choices, the wrong turns, the crappy people had a purpose. Without the dark you can’t see the light. So, no looking back. you have your life to live. Enjoy it. Laugh and love and learn and repeat.